Looking into the city
Griffith Park, CA
Through the good and bad, I think we are meant to be together. Yeah I get a little weary and sad but that’s just how I am. If one thing is true, you are constant, you do believe in us and I appreciate it. I can be a real bitch and be mean but you cope with me and help me. We happened for a reason. I’m just tired of crying for people that don’t deserve my tears. I hope this lasts and that we make something out of ourselves. I love you for that. I really do.
tell me why it hurts when i know it shouldn’t. you’re looking for fun but all you find is pain. i want you to find happiness but that isn’t the way. i want to help but that isn’t an option either. what do i do? it seems as though my quest to try to get over this ache isn’t working. it’s as if i won’t get over you even though all the fingers point away from you. why is it that my heart wants what it can’t have? it hurts me a lot.
nonetheless. as horrible and as quite a juxtaposition this wil end up being, i want to say happy birthday. I remember when you were turing 18 and I was all worried about getting you a gift to take to school. to be honest, i really don’t remember what the gift was, but i did give you a card. this card is significant because it was the first I ever wrote down that I loved you. it was the first time i ever put so much thought and effort into making it. i remember the poem in the front was something i said i made up but it really was just me remembering the poem from a card i had seen earlier in the day. regardless, the card meant what it was intended. i knew then and there that i loved you. that i was going to be hopelessly devoted to you even though it wasn’t going to be healthy. the sad thing is, in a way i still feel like that’s how i am. a day doesn’t go by when i don’t think of you even in the slightest way. i guess that’s when you can really tell you’ve impacted them. but the sad thing is, i’m a nobody. i always will be. what i’ve noticed with him is how he desires to have someone who wants him, and yet here i am. i don’t want him but i want him to be happy. and the thing that i want for him is to feel loved and to love back and that’s what i want too. the thing that sucks is i feel my love is going nowhere now. and it hurts because i feel like i’m going to hurt the one guy i didn’t want to. maybe all these things are happening because god is trying to show me that me and him are just not meant to be. but i really can’t help who my love goes towards. either way my love is wasted regardless. i give so much thought to these things and i doubt anything will turn out the way its meant to be where things were ok. sometimes i just don’t feel ok. i feel guilty for what i got myself into. i hate this. all this confusion. the sad thing is i can’t deny what’s my deepest and darkest secret; i still care for you deeply. it sucks. when you’re out there thinking there isn’t anyone there thinking of you or just not wanting you, im there. i wouldn’t mind being someone you could trust. but the thing is you did do that. and i let you down. i still can’t forgive myself for the pain i caused. i never wanted to. i never wanted this. its hard to think about how good things were getting and the hope that layed away for us. its hard to see and think that all of that is in ruins. it hurts. i don’t want that to happen again for you or for me. but the truth is, i will always hurt more deeply for you then you would ever for me. truth be that i’m the only one hurting here and you’re over there hurting for someone else. hurting for someone who isn’t going to love you or show you how like i did. but it can’t be. it really can’t be this way. i want you to be happy. i love you that much that i want you to go find someone and tell me how you end up successful in the following years. because sadly, that is what will make me happy. that you made it, you made it without me on your side. if anything, i think this is the best love story that was ever put out there. to know i would give you up so you could go away and be happier without you ever remembering a trace of my existence in your life. maybe i exaggerate but i’m just glad that i even got to know your being and your soul. i hope that i helped you in your journey. you deserve all the best because everyone deserves happiness. and i realized now, that that would be my greatest happiness. thank you for teaching me all of this and helping me grow as a person. like i said before. i’m forever in debt to you. maybe one day i’ll be able to talk to you. maybe i won’t. only time will tell.
i don’t know what to feel. this hurts. do i still feel something for him? what’s happening? why am i getting this way? i should feel nothing for him but i can’t help it. it’s hard to picture him with another person. i bet it isn’t even hard for him to see me with someone else. why do i get this way? why am i always the first to get hurt like this? why do i feel so much pain? why do i feel it more then happiness? will i ever be ok? will i ever get over him? i’m a horrible person. i hate this. i hate the mess i make of everything. i hate my past, i hate my future and i hate the present. i need a new life. i need a new me. but how? this sucks. this pain. please someone help make it go away. i’m dying. it hurts. it hurts so bad.
well today was a sucky day. and he does nothing about it. thanks boyfriend, you’re great. don’t worry you can keep playing your starcraft and talking to other people. I don’t need to be a priority anyway. thanks for your time.
i guess the only thing left to do tonight is go on my nightly run and pack for tomorrow.
Yeah I’ve been super nervous about grades. i came into winter quarter with a different attitude then the past quarters and I thought I could do better. I don’t know what happened. I thought I was finishing strong, but I could have done better. What’s driving me insane right now is not knowing what my final grades are in any of my classes. I’ve been checking frequently and nonstop and all it does is just drive me insane. I don’t need that. It’s over and it’ll be whatever it will be. I don’t need this anxiety. It hurts. I just wish I had done things differently. I wish I tried harder and went to class more. I don’t know but this quarter will be different. I want to be a better student. I hate always fucking up and not knowing what’s gonna happen. Sometimes I just get this feeling that maybe school never was meant for me. Yeah I did alright in high school, but college just feels different. I hate it. I hate that I am even acting this way. It’s as if some part of my body is telling me that school is just not meant for me. I wish it were different but it’s not.
Well the point of this rant was to get to the part where I think of things differently, where I learn to just let go. My goal right now is to graduate and do whatever I can. To just do the best I possibly can, there isn’t anything more to it. I don’t want to stress but I know it won’t be easy. Hard things come with a struggle and I don’t mind it. I know I can get through this, it’s just times make me think otherwise. Then I just think to the more important things in my life right now. I have stephen. He makes me happy. He makes me feel that the future is worth fighting for. I need to find this strength in me and he wants to help me get there. I should take into account those little things that make a difference. That, and the love I have from my family. Sometimes I question whether it’s enough, but I know it is. Everything I have is for a reason. Everything that is gone happened for a reason also. I don’t need to think about and worry about what the future will be like because it will get there eventually. I need to focus on right now, the moment. I want to live it and breathe everything it is. I have my family and friends helping me. I’ve been through some deep shit and pain, but I’m getting through it. I’ll get through this eventually. I’ll learn, and move on.
It seems like a recurring theme in my life. Body image. I feel like I’ve gone over this a ton of times in my head but never fully expressed it online. I guess it only feels right to rant on about it right now.
I hate my body. I hate every single inch of it. I can honestly say there is not one thing that I appreciate and love about myself. There is absolutely nothing I like. I stared into the mirror today and I just started to tear up. I grab my belly and just cringe and I feel so angry. It frustrates that this is still even an issue. I workout every so often. I run daily, play soccer, I eat healthy, I’d like to think that I’m doing so much to help my body look better but nothing. I don’t get any results. Not even the numerous fitness classes I’ve been taking seem to help my body image issue. It’s as if I don’t work out I’ll feel even uglier and unhealthier. One of the frustrating things is when I weigh myself. Yeah you shouldn’t do it everyday, but I couldn’t help it. My weight stays constant. It’s embarrassing. The number I see amazes me. I’m really heavy. Yet when I tell people they just laugh and say no it’s not right. Well I really am heavy. The more exercise I do, the heavier I get. It’s ridiculous. One thing hit me today. Some people are lucky and they just have beautiful small bodies. I will never have that. I remember freshman year in college I bought a dress and it didn’t fit me. One of my roommates at the time had told me that nope no matter how much exercise you do, that dress will still never fit you because your bone is right there. I guess what I’m coming to realize is that I will never be small. My bones are just to big and fat. No matter if I lose all the excess fat on my body, and just become muscle, small clothes will never fit me because my bones are just fat. I feel so disproportional. I hate everything about myself. I’m surrounded by so many beautiful girls at school in SD. I want to be like them, not to get noticed, but because I want to feel beautiful. I want to have the confidence to wear a two piece swimsuit to the beach but I feel like that’s never going to happen. I feel so insecure. I hate myself with such a passion I just want to give up everything. I don’t want to exercise as much as I do. I don’t want to healthy as much as I do. I just want to be. But I know that won’t make me happy so I don’t know what else to do. I truly don’t think I’ll ever be happy with myself. I wish I could be like those girls that don’t ever work out and just have naturally beautiful bodies. I wish I could be beautiful. Feel beautiful. I wish I could have my boyfriend carry me around without worrying that I’ll break him. I wish this body of mine would just transform because I hate everything it is right now. I hate it because I know my body could be way worse, but at the same time it’s not small like I’d like it to be. I just don’t know. I hate that I’m a 20 year old that still has this issue. I just wish my boyfriend would look at me and would truly feel lucky that he has me. Of course physical beauty is nothing important, but it counts as something. I just wish I was beautiful. It’s ridiculous how much I hate myself for this. It’s horrible but I can’t help the way I feel. This hurts and I wish I could change the way things are. I just don’t think I’ll ever find that peace within me and my body. I’ll never be something I can appreciate. I will never love me.
I had one of those weird moments where I just looked back on what has happened till this very moment in time. I just thought to myself, how did I get here? How did I make it past the harsh times? Can I truly say that I’m over all that? Can I say I’ve come a long way? Am I getting better? I really don’t know what to say of it. But it’s weird. I feel life moving on at this point. It’s weird. I don’t know what to feel of it.
I can’t help but wonder how you’ve been. I hope you’re better. I hope you found someone that has made you feel better. Someone that is treating you right, someone who lets you forget about me. It’s almost a year since the series of unfortunate events that happened. I can’t help but wonder if it’s scarred you like it has for me. The only reason I think about you now is because I’m trying to make my current relationship work and I come to you because I don’t want to make the same mistakes like I did while you and me were together. I feel like I’m not doing enough like I did with you, if it’s weird to say. I just hate that because of you I’ve closed myself up. I hate that I can’t open myself to a person who really wants to make things with me. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say at this point so who knows. But I do hope you are doing well, and that maybe I come into your mind at some point in time.
Stephen means a lot to me. The thing that worries me is that I think I feel more for him then he does with me. I don’t get why it’s so hard for him to feel certain things. It makes me sad that he can’t casually say I love you every now and then to show how he feels. He’s not romantic or lovey dovey like I thought we would be by this point in time in our relationship. 5 months and I don’t think he feels the same for me like I do for him. Is that normal? Is that ok? I just wished he could express what he feels more, on a daily basis. It’s not that I need to hear that I’m needed or wanted by someone, but I never hear it, and in my current shitty mode, it would mean a lot if I heard it from someone. Sincerely of course. I would love it he could tell me how much I mean to him. I’m a sucker for that stuff. It makes me feel secure. I don’t get it from him. But I would be way out of line if I asked. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to feel. I’m scared I’m going to feel love. If I see that my love is being unappreciated or going nowhere, I instantly go numb. I can’t help what happens, I just do what I do. I wish it were different but it isn’t. I just wish I meant something more to him. Maybe all I need is time. Or maybe time won’t be enough. I don’t know. But I want things to be better. I just hope we can get past this. Because I don’t want another shitty relationship. I don’t want to feel emotionally drained anymore. I need him.
that maybe this is the best it can be. maybe there is only so much happiness you can experience because you aren’t ment to experience anymore. What sucks is that I’ve grown up to always looking at the negative. Trying to be realistic and seeing that as much happiness you can experience, there is just enough of negativity out there to balance it. It sucks but I feel that whenever I gain some sort of progress, there is something inside that pulls me. Something that pulls me down inside. This thing that makes me hate myself, that makes me hate my existence. There’s something in me that I don’t think will ever go away, that hate for my self will always stand to keep me away from living a healthy life.I don’t know why I feel so useless. I don’t like anything about who I am or what I am becoming. I hate every ounce of my existence. I just wish I could find the power in me to feel something different. I don’t wanna live this way but I also feel scared to find something new. Maybe this realization that maybe I can be happy in the future bothers me. I don’t understand why because logically it shouldn’t but it still makes me feel this way.
everything that has happened to me has been for a reason. all the pain and suffering was for a reason. I look at all that as well as the happy times all the times where I’ve smiled and laughed until I cried and I tell myself that I don’t know who I am. It’s like I don’t understand why looking at everything I’ve experience, why do I look at myself now and just see someone who is empty. why do I feel this way? why do I feel like nothing good is meant for me. It’s so easy to be happy but why don’t I want to be? I’ve seen myself be both but why can’t I just be the better one? well who knows which is the better one. Maybe I’m just too exhausted with emotions that I really don’t want either. Maybe there is something better to feel and I haven’t discovered yet. I’m trying so hard to search for something that will help me be a better person. It’s just so hard when I see walls caving in on me. I feel like whenever I try to pick myself up, there is nothing no strength to help me pull it all together. it’s like i have everything rooting against me. I hate how much I fucked my academics when i started college. I hate that I didn’t get my shit together and put my priorities in line. I hate that I don’t know what it is I want to do with my life. I hate that I will never feel comfortable enough with myself and my appearance. I hate myself so much its amazing. I hate my being and everything I am becoming. Sometimes I wonder how easy it would all be to just be done with this. to be done with this cyclical pain. I wish I could end it all. Wish I never existed. I wish I never met anyone or anything. All I am is empty and lifeless. I am nothing. The world won’t miss my existence. So why even be here to begin with. The sad part is I always say I love you to people I think I love, even when they don’t show me love in return. Why is it so easy for me to love but not love myself? How can I love if I don’t even know how to love myself? You would think that is the most basic thing to do but I can’t even do that. What the fuck is wrong with me?
This statement could not be any more true. I realized a lot of things today and I feel guilty as fuck for it. I don’t think I’ve made progress. And if it’s so, it’s as if I’m coming in clearer terms of my realization that I don’t think me and Stephen are right for each other. It’s sad to even say that today out of all days. It’s supposed to by our special four months today and I came to that realization. I don’t feel something I think I should feel at this point. Yes I love him dearly and care about him greatly, but there isn’t that connection that I thought we could have as a couple. I think we really are just better as friends. It sucks because whenever I’m with him, I am happy, but I still feel like there’s something missing and I don’t know what to do about it. It sucks.
Does this have to do with another guy? Not necessarily but in a way, yes. I still have feelings for someone and it’s making me sick to the stomach because of it. I don’t know what to do about it. I still get this feeling that this one guy and me are meant for something, that our story isn’t over. It pisses me off because I hate it. I know the likelihood of it even occurring is making me sick. I hate myself for being in this predicament. I hate that I’m in a place where I’m hurting people I care so deeply for. I hate this. I hate myself for it. Sometimes I just think, to hell with relationships. They aren’t worth anything. They waste time and energy. And even when you think they’re honest and everything is flowing well with them, it’s not what it truly seems. I feel like everything is wrong, everything I’m doing. Something isn’t wrong. Something isn’t right with me. I need to say something. I need to hear him. I want him in my life. This is the worst realization I could have made today. I feel guilty as fuck, confused as shit and sad because sadly I don’t know what’s going to happen at this point. How can things be different if I’m still like this. I hate it. I hate this sick feeling in my stomach. Why am I like this? I need some closure. I think I need to talk to him to make sure this is done for real. I need to hear him. Maybe we just needed a long ass gap to recollect our thoughts and who we are and want to be to see what this really is. All I know is that having this separation has given me the chance to see what it is I truly feel for this guy. It sucks. Sometimes I hate having to rely on my feelings because it just goes to shit, my gut can always be wrong and then I’ll never be truly happy with myself. I hate this shit, I hate myself for it. Maybe he’ll call me or send me a random text at one point. I highly doubt it and I bet he never wants to talk to me again. Fuck. But if he really did love me, if he really did care, there has to be that feeling in him right now. Yeah he’s shoved it away and surpressed it in every form but I feel like maybe he can see and understand that what we had was real. Then I think to myself I need to talk myself out of this one. A relationship is not ever going to work with us. I know it won’t. we are to different and we could never get over all the shit that has happened over the years. I always have hope and that’s what kills me the most because there will always be a voice in my heart saying that there may be a chance and that I have to wait and see.
My issue is that I love and care too deeply. It’s preventing me from truly giving what I can to someone who does deserve it. It prevents me from whole-heartedly pouring myself in a relationship that I thought I should be in but isn’t working for now. It sucks because I have these doubts now like I had earlier, then I know I might be right. I hate this shit so much. I hate it. Fuck.